An open letter to Boyd Crowder

[vanillafluffy]

Dear Boyd,

I need your help. My quiet, elderly neighbors have departed for the final destination of the elderly, and recently, their house has been occupied by less desirable folks. Not elderly and not quiet: They have several screaming kids---I haven't taken a headcount, but at least two, plus a baby. They have two dogs that bark for an hour if a squirrel farts on the next block. Their cars are rolling boomboxes and they come and go at all hours. I suspect the worst about that.

Please don't say, "Love they neighbor." --- although if you did, I probably couldn't hear it over the thumping bass from their damn rap songs. I'd love these individuals a whole lot more if they were someone else's naighbors, preferably someone in another state. Like Alaska.

I want my nice, quiet neighborhood back. To that end, won't you please come to Florida and bring your rocket launcher? Blow the damn house to Kingdom Come and I'd be eternally grateful. (The dogs are always out in the yard, I can call Animal Control for them.)

I look forward to hearing back from you, and even more to hearing "Fire in the Hole!".

Praise the Lord --- and pass the ammunition,

Vanillafluffy



PS --- On second thought. I'll let you know when I'll be gone for movie night at church, so you can blow up MY house. I'll collect the insurance and go live on a farm somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Yeah. That works.
.

Comments

[adventurat.livejournal.com]

Do you have a noise bylaw, and bylaw enforcement officers in Cocoa? For the dogs if for nothing else?

[vanillafluffy.livejournal.com]

They only enforce noise complaints 11PM - 6 AM. Which doesn't help when the yappers start in at 8:30.

[adventurat.livejournal.com]

Is there no separate "barking" bylaw? I think, where I live, "noise" is one thing (loud parties, noise pollution, lawnmowers on Sunday morning), but the bylaws relating to pets and the control thereof are quite separate. There are no hours in the day when it's acceptable to have a neighbour's dog barking its head off.

Our next door neighbour's dog howls the place down when left alone. Very annoying.

[vanillafluffy.livejournal.com]

I'll look into it, but the one I *really* want to disembowel is the rooster owned by someone in the trailer park on the next block over. Two words: Chicken dinner!

[adventurat.livejournal.com]

Rooster!??? Dude, wut? You're allowed to have farm animals that aren't on a farm???

[vanillafluffy.livejournal.com]

Honey, there are a few neighborhoods around here where the "nuisance" birds are peacocks.

Plus, technically, I'm in what's called an "unincorporated" area, meaning even though it's residential, it isn't zoned as formally as city. The family next door to BC kept a pot-belly pig for ages, and that's right around the corner from me, so poultry isn't much of a stretch.

[pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com]

Does the local sheriff's department have a tipline where you could anonymously report "suspicious activity"? Cars at all hours of the day and night pretty much screams 'drug activity.'

And (((HUGS))). Been there, done that, didn't want the fucking t-shirt. We sold our first house and moved out of the neighborhood because the woman across the street was a prostitute (her daddy put her up in the house!) and we had an endless parade of strange men right in front of our living room window.

[vanillafluffy.livejournal.com]

*wails* I was here first. Seriously, since 1974. Which makes me the "senior" resident on the block, as far as I know. The trouble is, all the old neighbors have died off or moved, and now all the houses are being rented to God Knows Who. My house is paid for, but if I wanted to sell it, I'd need a boatload of money to fix it up, and the market here is crap---hence rentals instead of sales. I could sure use a good hurricane....

[pwcorgigirl.livejournal.com]

If you could find out who owns the house, which will probably take a trip to the tax office to look it up, then you can complain to the landlord.

A window fan running on the floor next to the bed will create some white noise to help drown them out. We started doing that when the people who live next to us began playing midnight basketball on their driveway, which backs up to the bedroom side of the house.

[vanillafluffy.livejournal.com]

That's one of the things I love about you---when you offer advise, you always have a sensible solution.

[louisiane-fille.livejournal.com]

I'll admit it: When I got to the line "Praise the Lord -- and pass the ammunition", I laughed.

Obnoxious neighbors are the pits. The ones that used to live behind our next door neighbors had a Lab and a Yorkie that barked all. the. damn. time. If a bird farted, they barked. And not just a "woof!" and stop. Oh no. More like "WOOF! WOOF! yip! yip! yip! WOOF! yip! WOOF!..." (you get the picture).

I'm scared of the next door neighbors' chocolate Lab. He's a vicious bastard who has come after my dog and I twice as we were out walking. After the second time, I called the cops on them, since dogs are required by law here to be restrained, either by leash, or a fence, not running loose thru the neighborhood. Things have been a lot better since I called the cops on them.

I would call and see they are in violation of noise ordinances. Maybe a citation or two will get them to shut their dogs up.

[vanillafluffy.livejournal.com]

I really don't want to be the asshole neighbor. I've been on the receiving end of that for passive things like the length of my lawn, and it sucks. So I'm trying not to overreact. If the dogs were running loose, on the other hand, yes, I'd call it in in a New York minute.


When I got to the line "Praise the Lord -- and pass the ammunition", I laughed.

It seemed like a very "Boyd" thing to say....

[gwylliondream.livejournal.com]

LMAO!

[vanillafluffy.livejournal.com]

Yeah, if I didn't have a sense of humor, I never would've lasted this long!