Listen up! If you are ordering anything for Xmas, this means YOU!!!

The call center I work for takes telephone orders for a number of web-based retailers, and in recent days, a number of troublesome issues related to seasonal commerce have come up. I feel it's my duty to educate potential callers about some of these situations so YOU won't be my next problem.

1. You may have seen something on the website---last week, last month, yesterday, it doesn't matter. If you don't see it on the website NOW, don't ask me about it you may safely conclude that it is no longer available; likewise, if you bought one just like it two years ago but you don't see it NOW---PICK SOMETHING ELSE. (Oh, and outlet stores are where out of stock and seasonal clearance stuff goes to die. We don't have those items, either.)

2. You ordered something online, and got an email saying it was out of stock. This is becoming the rule rather than the exception for some items, especially for inexpensive items like gloves, belts and wallets, also shoes, especially in common sizes, and status handbags. There is NO, I repeat NO way to predict whether they will restock in time to ship for the holiday. (Doubtful.) PICK SOMETHING ELSE

3. You're aware that the item you want isn't in stock, but you want one if/when we get more. We can't "reserve" one for you when they do come in for two reasons. There is no guarantee that we will get more. Keeping track of hypothetical orders is impractical; otherwise we're liable to be filling backorders until March. PICK SOMETHING ELSE

4. You ordered the wrong size, gave us the wrong address, found it on sale somewhere else and you want to cancel your order. I don't care if you just placed it five minutes ago---if your credit card info was verified and the order has been submitted to the warehouse to be filled, you're shit out of luck. It can't be canceled. (Maybe if you're lucky, it'll be out of stock like everything else.) You'll have to ship it back to us---YES, that means YOU pay for shipping---and place a new order (hoping that the items are still in stock). No, you can't just exchange it. Because you can't, so check your order carefully BEFORE you send it. It isn't our fault if you screw up.

5. Your package isn't there yet. If you opted for Ground shipping (the kind that's most often offered free), that generally takes 5-10 business days. Business days are Monday-Friday, and read the fine print on the order form---that's AFTER it leaves the warehouse. Normally that's 1-2 business days on our end, but it's rapidly escalating to 2-3 days because of the number of orders we're getting. That applies to ALL forms of shipping, whether it's Ground or Overnight! If the shipper loses/misdelivers your package, we can file a carrier claim for it, but that is a slow process, and we're sorry, but it takes a certain amount of time to get you credited. That time is measured in weeks. Deal with it.

* * * * *

Finally---I've never seen that handbag up close, tried on those boots, can't tell you from personal experience how that jacket fits, whether it runs large or small. I'm not in a store OR a warehouse, I'm in a call center, and I'm not surrounded by all these goodies to admire and play with. I have a headset welded to my skull, a mouse in my hand, and the same website on my computer screen as the one you're looking at. I don't know for sure if the shade "Pigment" the company calls those jeans is a dark blue or black because I have the same 1/4-inch swatch you have. If it's that damned important to you GO TO #$%&ING WAL*MART!!!

Have a wonderful (--insert seasonally appropriate celebration of your choice here--) and pass the eggnog.

Listen up! If you are ordering anything for Xmas, this means YOU!!!

The call center I work for takes telephone orders for a number of web-based retailers, and in recent days, a number of troublesome issues related to seasonal commerce have come up. I feel it's my duty to educate potential callers about some of these situations so YOU won't be my next problem.

1. You may have seen something on the website---last week, last month, yesterday, it doesn't matter. If you don't see it on the website NOW, don't ask me about it you may safely conclude that it is no longer available; likewise, if you bought one just like it two years ago but you don't see it NOW---PICK SOMETHING ELSE. (Oh, and outlet stores are where out of stock and seasonal clearance stuff goes to die. We don't have those items, either.)

2. You ordered something online, and got an email saying it was out of stock. This is becoming the rule rather than the exception for some items, especially for inexpensive items like gloves, belts and wallets, also shoes, especially in common sizes, and status handbags. There is NO, I repeat NO way to predict whether they will restock in time to ship for the holiday. (Doubtful.) PICK SOMETHING ELSE

3. You're aware that the item you want isn't in stock, but you want one if/when we get more. We can't "reserve" one for you when they do come in for two reasons. There is no guarantee that we will get more. Keeping track of hypothetical orders is impractical; otherwise we're liable to be filling backorders until March. PICK SOMETHING ELSE

4. You ordered the wrong size, gave us the wrong address, found it on sale somewhere else and you want to cancel your order. I don't care if you just placed it five minutes ago---if your credit card info was verified and the order has been submitted to the warehouse to be filled, you're shit out of luck. It can't be canceled. (Maybe if you're lucky, it'll be out of stock like everything else.) You'll have to ship it back to us---YES, that means YOU pay for shipping---and place a new order (hoping that the items are still in stock). No, you can't just exchange it. Because you can't, so check your order carefully BEFORE you send it. It isn't our fault if you screw up.

5. Your package isn't there yet. If you opted for Ground shipping (the kind that's most often offered free), that generally takes 5-10 business days. Business days are Monday-Friday, and read the fine print on the order form---that's AFTER it leaves the warehouse. Normally that's 1-2 business days on our end, but it's rapidly escalating to 2-3 days because of the number of orders we're getting. That applies to ALL forms of shipping, whether it's Ground or Overnight! If the shipper loses/misdelivers your package, we can file a carrier claim for it, but that is a slow process, and we're sorry, but it takes a certain amount of time to get you credited. That time is measured in weeks. Deal with it.

* * * * *

Finally---I've never seen that handbag up close, tried on those boots, can't tell you from personal experience how that jacket fits, whether it runs large or small. I'm not in a store OR a warehouse, I'm in a call center, and I'm not surrounded by all these goodies to admire and play with. I have a headset welded to my skull, a mouse in my hand, and the same website on my computer screen as the one you're looking at. I don't know for sure if the shade "Pigment" the company calls those jeans is a dark blue or black because I have the same 1/4-inch swatch you have. If it's that damned important to you GO TO #$%&ING WAL*MART!!!

Have a wonderful (--insert seasonally appropriate celebration of your choice here--) and pass the eggnog.