Confessions of a One-Track Mind

As Kat used to say, "I don't know whether I've been shot at and missed or shit at and hit"...although given the number of times I was up during the night, and the reason, I'm inclined to suspect the latter. Ugh.

And because of said nocturnal interruptions, I apparently turned my alarm OFF instead of hitting 'snooze'...woke at noon. made a dash for the computer, was reassured by Tigger that I was okay, managed two hours and logged out, still feeling bloated and headachy.

I'm also hungry, although I'm not sure I *should* eat right now, and I don't feel particularly motivated to cook.

Maybe instead of lying in bed feeling wretched, I'll plug in a movie. I finally got around to hooking up the speakers that go with my new desktop (because the new Iron Man trailer just wasn't cutting it as a silent movie) and whoa! THAT'S what I call a sound system!

Maybe some crackers? I really hope this is just a passing bug; Friday is Mb's birthday, and we're planning a canasta get-together at her place. (This is a big deal, because it's always been at J's. But these days, TRT and her SO are living there---in the living room---and the last couple of games have not gone well. So, change of venue to ensure the birthday girl has a good time.) The plan calls for me staying til Sunday, doing some baking and catching up on DVR stuff. I'm looking forward to all these events.

Crackers, definitely.

TTFN.

.

I know I haven't been around much lately. That's largely because I've been trying to contain my freaking out and that's not working anymore.

Basically, I have no money. Or, if you want to get technical, I've got maybe $10 in loose change, which isn't going to fill my gas tank, much less pay my bills. Even if I somehow magically got a job tomorrow (and I'm not holding my breath), I wouldn't have enough gas to get back and forth until I could collect a paycheck, and if they're one of those companies that holds back a week...anyway, I need money to keep the lights on, the insurance paid and to put some gas in the car. The sporadic "free" internet won't do me any good if I don't have power.

I'm not worried about food, that's not the problem. It's all the stuff that food stamps won't buy that's the problem. Like gas, which is crucial. Electricity, ditto. And insurance, because they will suspend your driver's license if your car insurance lapses, and hit you with a fuckton of fines besides, especially if they catch you. Living in Florida, if you let your home owner's coverage lapse, you'll *never* get it back. Even after 35+ years with the same company. And all this shit is due on the last day of the month, IE, NEXT FRIDAY, so the situation is DIRE.

I have already sold off everything I have to sell, namely coins and jewelery. I even sold my dad's service pins---he worked for Gulf Oil for 30+ years, and he got little gold tie-tacks on every five-year anniversary---they're gone. I *never* thought I'd sell those, but I did. I've borrowed money from everyone I know, and I'm out of resources.

And NO, Florida Power and Light can't/won't help me, and neither will any of the local charities. Because the FPL account is in my dad's name, and he's been dead since 1985, and the last time I asked about it, they wanted an $800 deposit to put it in my name, so clearly, I'm SCREWED. The name on the account is also an issue with the charities, but they've also got a policy of not helping persons who are out of work, because what will we do next month? The answer to which is, I don't fucking KNOW, but cut me a fucking break. I never asked for help when I WAS working.

I've reached the point where my brain is short-circuiting from anxiety. I'm staying home to save gas, fiddling around with mindless things like sorting clothes, shelving books, writing things that are entertainingly distracting but not productive, hyper-ventilating a lot and whimpering when I go down to the mailbox. I'm at the point where I'm so paralyzed and discouraged, I'm sure any potential employer is going to sneer at my desperation. I may very well be the most useless human being on the face of the planet.

Anyway, if you're reading this and you can help, I'm begging. My PayPal is vanillafluffy at yahoo dot com. PM me if you need a snailmail address for cash or maybe a 7-11 gift card for a visit to the pump. If you have a rich uncle who's looking to adopt (or maybe for a non-trophy wife), I'm available. Boost the signal if you're so inclined, or just pray for a miracle, because at this point, that's what it feels like I need.

Help?

.

In some ways, it's nice to be home. I know where things are, for one. I'm not being pounced on by cats at 5AM. I have LJ, at least for now.

On the other hand, Mb is a great force for getting shit done. Last week, with her prompting, I applied for a new Social Security card, reapplied for food stamps (my benefits ran out during the Terrible Toe Debacle, and I hadn't gotten around to re-apping), renewed my Tracfone, sold my solid silver pre-1965 half-dollars for enough money to pay Allstate, and hocked two of my Dad's Gulf service pins to pay Geico.

I had enough "left over" to put $16 worth of gas in my tank, just over 4 gallons at current prices. I lost a chunk of tooth while consuming rice cakes and tuna, had one of my bedroom fans die, and tonight, my toilet is leaking around the base---and it doesn't seem to want to dispose of solid waste. I expect my cable/internet to be shut off by this time next week. *headdesk*

(Oh, and did I mention that by the end of this week, I'm supposed to renew both my car tags AND my driver's license?! I am SO screwed.)

However, thanks to Isaac, the humidity has been sucked away and it's been temperate. I actually dealt with my sinkful of dished at midday without melting down. That was shortly after a phone call from GK, whose fav thrift store was having a Labor Day half-off sale, and she wanted to know if I needed anything in particular. Yay, CARE package!

Anyway, that's what's up with me.

.

I have until Thursday to get the FPL bill paid. Loaned money to J last week, thought I'd have it back this week, but no, so sorry, it'll be next week due to some computer glitch with her check. (Start juggling!)

That's only the tip of the iceberg of suckitude, though---

Headed down to my mailbox this afternoon only to find a "boil water" alert hanging from my door. I haven't set foot outside since I returned on Saturday, so god only knows how long it's been hanging there! Next stop, amoebic dysentery.

Got a notice about my driver's license renewal---if half the horror stories I hear about the process are true, it may take me til September to organize it all.

Got a summons for jury duty next month...which might be good for a few dollars, IF they actually need me. Last time, I had to check in by phone and never got the word to report.

Called GK to confirm various events for the coming weekend and found out that her grandmother, who is the closest thing to a grandparent I've ever had, passed away last night. She was 98, and while we thought she was going to make it to 100, it was not to be. I'll memorialize her in a separate post, but this definitely caps the list of things that make this a very bad, no good day.

.

.

Did a Google image search for "OH SHIT BEARS" and had to post this result:




You just KNOW there's a story there!

.

This morning, I had a thought: Prune my wardrobe down to 100 pieces. That wouldn't include things like underwear, accessories and shoes, but basic stuff like tops and bottoms and dresses and jackets. I figured that would allow me to keep a good selection of the winter and summer weight stuff that I wear most, with a little wiggle room for things that I love but wear less often. I'd be getting rid of the stuff I wasn't enamoured of, no big deal.

And then I went out to the garage and started counting. OH. MY. GOD. I have slightly more than 100 pieces JUST hanging on my tops and bottoms rack in the garage. That doesn't include the rack with dresses, the stuff in piles on the dryer and the floor, or, for that matter, two closets and more piles in the rest of the house. *whimper* Holy cannoli, HOW can I have so many clothes?!

Mind you, the stuff on that rack isn't 100% keepers. There are shirts that I probably haven't worn more than twice since I've had them. I could probably pare it down to 80 items without undue agony. Which barely makes a dent, considering the vast quantities of stuff elsewhere. Even assuming that I only import 20 pieces---there's still...I'm going to say an equal quantity to be disposed of. *twitch* Possibly MORE. Even if I don't count outerwear or the handful of sentimental items that I'll never wear again, it's a daunting task. Help!

I can safely say it isn't going to happen overnight. Maybe by New Year's, if yuletide doesn't eat too much of my brains time. I'll just have to be ruthless and get it down as much as I can. At least what's left will be the best of what I've got, the stuff that's in the ballpark of fitting, give or take a size.

I'm just in shock...and I still haven't found my "thin" jeans or my cranberry chenille sweater.


.

The good news is, the only thing wrong with the laptop is, it needs a new keyboard. R_Happy plugged it in with a USB keyboard and says it worked fine. I *thought* I could use my folding Palm keyboard, but realized after a half-hour of fruitless mumbling that there's no way to connect the two. So, either I get a USB keyboard or a SB adapter for a "normal" keyboard---I do have spare kicking around---or I cough up $30-50 to have the one in the laptop replaced, which I'll probably end up doing anyway. Eventually.

Did a little bit of clean-up in the front yard while I was wating for R to arrive. I've determined, regretfully, that my ceramic dragon is too severely shattered (by hail a while back) to be repaired. Alas!

And then there's the really bad news: I paid both insurance companies AND my car tag, which seemed my most pressing problems, only to find a final notice from the power company in today's mail. They won't grant an extension; I tried that right off.

At this point, I think I WOULD sell a kidney if I could get any takers.