Confessions of a One-Track Mind

What's the most embarrassing moment you've had to live through? Do you look back at it now and laugh, or do you still cringe when you think of it?

The year was 1989. I'd lost quite a bit of weight over the course of about a year, going from 315 pounds down to 230ish at the lowest. I don't recall *exactly* how much I weighed at the time of this incident, but it was somewhere on the sunny side of 250.

I was working the night shift at an answering service, and frequently stopped at one convenience store or another to pick up a cold caffeinated beverage on the way in to work (Start time, 11PM).

At the time, I didn't have a washing machine at my house, and I hadn't been to the laundromat for a while...long enough to be down to the rattiest of the old panties at the bottom of the drawer.

So there I was at like, 10:45 at night, back near the cooler grabbing a big ol' Diet Coke, when the saggy, stretched-out panties succumbed to gravity and dropped down around my ankles without any prompting from me.

I was the only one in the store, not in line-of-sight of the cashier, but I had a feeling that trying to retrieve my undies might have made me a tad conspicuous. I abandoned them, paid for my drink, and got the hell out of there. I felt awfully drafty that night at work, but nobody noticed,or if they did, they didn't say anything to me. I blush to think of what whoever found those raggedy drawers thought!

It was probably about 15 years before I went into that particular convenience store again. I've also learned to cull my lingerie before it gets THAT bad.

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You know you've beem reading and writing too much slash when you read the words "KY derby party" and don't immediately think of horse racing.


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I don't know what it is, whether it's a side-effect of all the antibiotics, or my body reacting to the infection, or both, but lately, I've practically been hibernating. I'll take an afternoon nap, AND I'll sleep from the middle of the night til morning. *yawn*

In the middle of today's afternoon nap, my phone rang. I answered, and heard someone asking if my mother was there.

Fluffy: "My mother? I'm sorry, my mother died several years ago." To say the least!
Caller (whose accent hints at ESL origins): "No, Yemada. Is Yemada there?"
Fluffy: "No ma'am, I'm sorry, there's no one here by that name. Have a good weekend."

Add to that, a doozy from auto-correct. I was making a shopping list on my phone, and right up there at the top of the list was Neosporin. I was pecking it in, and auto-correct suggested Mesopotamia. I can just imagine *that* conversastion at checkout:

Cashier: "Did you find everything you were looking for today?"
Fluffy: "Well, I couldn't find Mesopotamia...."
Cashier: "Aisle nine, two shelves down from Knossos and a little to the left of Babylon."

Foot is definitely on the mend. I'm going to have to fight the temptation to Do Too Much. Although I've GOT to return all my overdue library stuff---I took it with me both time I went out with Mb, and didn't make it over there either time. Arrrgh! And laundry. I've got to get things set up so I can do laundry again....

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What is the weirdest question you’ve ever been asked?

Not necessarily weird, but certainly unexpected.... For a few glorious months, I worked at an adult emporium. The first job they set you at when you start is doing pricing, shrink-wrapping and attaching inventory control devices behind the scenes to expose you to the products and give you an idea what the costs are like.

So there I was, second or third day, back in the stockroom, being very industrious and not paying the slightest bit of attention to the conversation going on amongst a gaggle of my (male) coworkers across the room. Then one of them hollered at me, "Hey, Fluffy---do you like big dicks?"

I thought about it for a count of three, and replied, "Depends on where it's going!"

To which he responded, "Oooh! Me too!"

Absolutely true story; I'm just sorry I couldn't send to to Reader's Digest.

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J has LotR2 playing in the background. Someone said, "There are orcs roaming our land!" and the first thing that came into my head was, "Free-range orcs?!"

I know. random.

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Dirt Devil-The Exorcist from MrPrice2U on Vimeo.

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He may be fucked up, but he's still a comedian.
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Epicurious's Oscar-night menus based on the best picture nominees

Not all the nominees, though. Only The Fighter, Black Swan, and Inception.

Really, I was already anticipating the entree for The King's Speech.



Tongue, of course.

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This morning's message from TUT was absolutely classic!


If I can handle plate tectonics... if I can wrap Saturn in rings... if I can hurl planets into place, and design Milky Ways, moths, and millipedes... just think what I can do for you.

Fluffy, want more.

A lot more.

It opens doors.

Tallyho,
The Universe


No, Fluffy, not the chocolate bar, the galaxy.

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Okay, so I'm browsing 3x plus sizes on eBay when I run across a cute blouse. I click on it for details and laugh myself silly upon reading the following:

This item is a black with white pack a dots. The tag is worn and hard to read but the blouse is in great shape. I never dried it in the dryer. I washed it in the genital cycle only. I loved this blouse.

The "pack a dots" was good, but the laundering details were what really got me.

Night, y'all.

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With the holidays in full hue-and-cry and Christmas breathing down our necks, it may be time to take a break for laughter and good cheer. To remember the reason for the season. To hear the traditional stories of childhood, such as:

"How Kenny Loggins Ruined Christmas"


Major thanks to kukkurkurat, who turned me on to it.

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Did a Google image search for "OH SHIT BEARS" and had to post this result:




You just KNOW there's a story there!

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Mb picked me up this morning, and we spent the day running around. First was lunch at Cracker Barrel---cider-braised pork roast, delish!---since niether of us had had breakfast. Of course, we spent a while afterward wandering through the gift shop. Mb, who knows me VERY well, got me an ornament---a mini diet Coke can (complete with fuzzy red earmuffs). TOO cute. It's hanging on the tree all by its lonesome. Meanwhile, I snagged something I haven't seen in forty years---Bonomo's Turkish Taffy (Banana-flavored).

(It's damned disconcerting to find myself uttering sentences like that, let me tell you. I'm turning into one of those old codgers who begins diatribes with "When I was your age---". Although if the codger in question was Maxine, that wouldn't be so bad!)

When she first called, Mb just asked if I wanted to ride along while she did some errands. The devious little minx didn't mention that one of said errands was to visit Captain Ahab. I've finally met him...he wasn't hostile, but I don't think I'm liable to get too attached, either.

It was a warm day, 65F, woohoo!, and I was a tad over-dressed. Festive as it was, my long-sleeved red sweater with the wide black belt over black pants was a tad heavy, so by the time we got out of the nursing home, I was craving something cold. MB took me to a joint on US1, an old-fashioned roadside stand that probably began as something like a Tastee-Freeze. (Remember Tastee Freeze? My Sainted Aunt Mary had a whole set of gold-trimmed parfait glasses she got from there, one at a time.)

I'm willing to bet that the owner/operator is a Northerner, because they offered chocolate jimmies. A local would refer to them as "sprinkles". That was exactly what I wanted: soft-serve ice cream with jimmies. A large cup really was large, and they didn't stint on the jimmies---in addition to the generous portion atop my choco-vanilla combo twist, there was another hearty layer on the bottom. It was like chocolate coffee grounds. It was excellent.

I cracked Mb up on the drive home...she was talking about how "nomnomnom" is now in the dictionary, and I said that the word that I found exotic and a bit misleading is vuvuzela; it sounds vaguely gynocological---"Oh doctor, you've got to help me! I have a terrible rash on my vuvuzela!" Or, riffing on the name of an Orlando suburb, "Hey baby, wanna come back to my place and Narcoosee?"

Maybe you just had to be there.

This evening, the usual Friday evening fare: Dog Whisperer, WNTW, Blue Bloods. SPN gets DVRed. Last week, I didn't get around to watching it til Sunday. (It's not my happy place any more, and I miss that.) WNTW was one of my Yuletide requests, although there were apparently more requests than volunteers, so I'm no holding my breath. Giving nothing away, Blue Bloods was something I offered, but it isn't what I'm writing.

My subscription to Entertainment Weekly (courtesy of GK) has kicked in, and has been landing in my mailbox on Fridays, so I also have Reese Witherspoon to look forward to.

All in all, a very pleasant day!

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If you're in need of a laugh, may I recommend the RPF lists at yuletide?! If you know ANYTHING about history, anything at all, you will laugh your ass off.

Hint: Elizabeth Bathory was NOT Canadian. Last I heard, neither was Butch Cassidy. Srsly.

ETA: Clive Cussler under German literature? Neither German, nor IMO, literature. OMG, ditto Herman Melville, German lit? Lord Byron? Absurd.

And I'll bet you didn't know Isaac Newton was a historical American criminal, either.

Look at the list under RPF - Modern Physics. Crack, I tell you!

Dean Koontz as a WWI poet? Where will it end?! My brain is bleeding!

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One of the gals at work has a heckuva cough. The guy sitting ahead of me was loudly advocating chicken soup. "Chicken soup saves lives!" he said dramatically.

"Not for the chicken," was my pragmatic response, which totally cracked him up.

Some people are easily amused.

( My good buddy Red sent me this gem on the topic of push-button customer service. I laughed my ass off, because holy crap, I have *SO* wanted to say some of these things to certain customers. Enjoy! )

I'm just sorry I didn't write this!

...and it's not even fan-fic. The Southerners of my f'list will probably get the biggest kick, but the rest of y'all ought to get a laugh from it, too.

http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowahawk/2004/11/blue_state_blue.html